After you've had an affair...
· If you’re the partner who’s had an affair you need to accept full responsibility for the choices you’ve made and the damage you’ve chosen to do to your relationship.
· Don’t expect your partner to forgive you quickly and move on, however much you’d like them to. Discovering your partner has had an affair is as devastating to a relationship as an earthquake is to a city. So expect your partner to be very distressed and have good days and bad days. When your partner’s upset, ask what you can do to comfort and reassure them.
· Think about how the affair started and what you could do to prevent it happening again. Were you under a lot of stress? Did your affair partner boost your sense of self-esteem? Did you find the affair comforting during a difficult period in your life? Was something missing from your marriage? Identifying a root cause, and dealing with it effectively, by talking with your partner, having counselling and reading useful books, etc., can help to prevent a similar earthquake in the future.
· Be prepared to do whatever it takes to rebuild your partner’s trust. It may be really annoying to keep letting them know where you are and who you’re with, or to have your emails and mobile phone checked regularly…But this may be the only way to rebuild trust and create a secure foundation for your relationship.
· Do whatever you can to help your partner feel loved and special again as your affair may have severely damaged their self-confidence.
· Imagine you’re having an affair with your partner! Invest the energy, money, time, fun and careful planning you put into your affair back into your relationship. Look for ideas under the Flourishing section of this website.