Collaborative versus competitive talking
Sometimes we talk and behave in ways that invite others to become more defensive and argumentative.
Here are some of the common ways in which we do this, the problems these create for the communication and the relationship.
We have also listed some different things to try to break the unhelpful, competitive ways of talking and to find ways that respect and support both of your ideas and needs.
1. Judging or blaming
When we judge and blame others we say things like...
‘You always…you never…It’s your problem…all your fault…’
When we feel judged we become more defensive
Instead of judging and blaming- ask for more information...
‘Tell me more about what it is like for you…’
2. Controlling
When we try to make others do what we want we may be trying to control them.
Although we may not use these words we are basically saying:
‘Do it my way or else…’
But we tend to resist someone trying to control us, and we may feel even more like rebelling against what they want.
Instead of trying to get others to do it your way, try a shared problem approach:
‘How can we work on this problem together?’
3. Manipulating
Sometimes we try to develop strategies to manipulate the situation, such as ‘bribery and corruption’!
If we think someone is being manipulative we become distrustful and defensive
Instead of manipulating try being clear and honest
‘Something that I would like...or that would help me would be’…
4. Seeming not to care
Sometimes we forget that we really care for the other person. We are so busy trying to get what we want that the other person feels as if we don't care about their feelings and needs. We're basically say with our words and actions: ‘I don’t want to hear about how you’re feeling…’ 'Your feelings and wishes aren’t important to me.
If we feel others don’t care about us we become defensive and frustrated
Instead of coming across as uncaring, try asking about the other person's feelings and wishes
Try to identify with their feelings and emotions.
Say things like: ‘It sounds as if you are really hurting right now…I'd like to hear more about how this is affecting you/what you are thinking and feeling/etc.'
When the other person is distressed, try to be understanding rather than dismissive. Find ways to soothe and comfort the other person's distress.
5. Being superior
Sometimes we come across as being superior. We try to add weight to our arguments by being physically powerful, or using our status, wealth, knowledge, etc to influence the other person to do what we want.
‘We may say things like 'because I say so…’, or put the other person down in some way.
If someone tries to be superior, it can humiliate us and we can become defensive.
Instead of being superior, try working towards equality.
Show mutual respect and trust. Build the other person up.
‘I wonder what your ideas are about this…’ 'Let's put our heads together to sort this out. We each have different ideas and experience that could be useful to help us solve the problem.'
6. Knowing all the answers and needing to win
Sometimes we are more openly competing rather than working together. We may say ‘I think my idea would be the best way to do this.’ 'I know I'm right.'
‘Experts’ can arouse our defensiveness – we know we have good ideas too!
Instead of knowing and being competitive, try being exploratory.
Experiment and explore options.
Say things like: ‘I wonder what else we could do to solve our problem…’ Try out each other's ideas for a while and see what works best for you.
Adapted from Jack R. Gibb, ‘Defensive Communication’ from Journal of Communication, 1961.
Here are some of the common ways in which we do this, the problems these create for the communication and the relationship.
We have also listed some different things to try to break the unhelpful, competitive ways of talking and to find ways that respect and support both of your ideas and needs.
1. Judging or blaming
When we judge and blame others we say things like...
‘You always…you never…It’s your problem…all your fault…’
When we feel judged we become more defensive
Instead of judging and blaming- ask for more information...
‘Tell me more about what it is like for you…’
2. Controlling
When we try to make others do what we want we may be trying to control them.
Although we may not use these words we are basically saying:
‘Do it my way or else…’
But we tend to resist someone trying to control us, and we may feel even more like rebelling against what they want.
Instead of trying to get others to do it your way, try a shared problem approach:
‘How can we work on this problem together?’
3. Manipulating
Sometimes we try to develop strategies to manipulate the situation, such as ‘bribery and corruption’!
If we think someone is being manipulative we become distrustful and defensive
Instead of manipulating try being clear and honest
‘Something that I would like...or that would help me would be’…
4. Seeming not to care
Sometimes we forget that we really care for the other person. We are so busy trying to get what we want that the other person feels as if we don't care about their feelings and needs. We're basically say with our words and actions: ‘I don’t want to hear about how you’re feeling…’ 'Your feelings and wishes aren’t important to me.
If we feel others don’t care about us we become defensive and frustrated
Instead of coming across as uncaring, try asking about the other person's feelings and wishes
Try to identify with their feelings and emotions.
Say things like: ‘It sounds as if you are really hurting right now…I'd like to hear more about how this is affecting you/what you are thinking and feeling/etc.'
When the other person is distressed, try to be understanding rather than dismissive. Find ways to soothe and comfort the other person's distress.
5. Being superior
Sometimes we come across as being superior. We try to add weight to our arguments by being physically powerful, or using our status, wealth, knowledge, etc to influence the other person to do what we want.
‘We may say things like 'because I say so…’, or put the other person down in some way.
If someone tries to be superior, it can humiliate us and we can become defensive.
Instead of being superior, try working towards equality.
Show mutual respect and trust. Build the other person up.
‘I wonder what your ideas are about this…’ 'Let's put our heads together to sort this out. We each have different ideas and experience that could be useful to help us solve the problem.'
6. Knowing all the answers and needing to win
Sometimes we are more openly competing rather than working together. We may say ‘I think my idea would be the best way to do this.’ 'I know I'm right.'
‘Experts’ can arouse our defensiveness – we know we have good ideas too!
Instead of knowing and being competitive, try being exploratory.
Experiment and explore options.
Say things like: ‘I wonder what else we could do to solve our problem…’ Try out each other's ideas for a while and see what works best for you.
Adapted from Jack R. Gibb, ‘Defensive Communication’ from Journal of Communication, 1961.