My partner's been having an affair
First aid
One of the first things to do when you discover your partner’s affair is to take care of yourself. The revelation can strike like an earthquake – sudden and devastating, unsettling everything that used to feel safe and familiar. Now you’re in unchartered territory, hurt, dazed and confused, and nothing’s where you thought it was. You might need to find a safe place for a while, where you can be comforted and cared for, until the initial shock and trauma subsides. Once you feel calmer, you can assess the situation and think about the best way to manage this relational disaster zone.
Being angry, crying and yelling is a very natural reaction to the fear of losing someone you love. Knowing your partner is having an intimate relationship with someone else is one of the most painful emotional experiences that humans can encounter. When your heart is hurting, or numb with shock, it can be very difficult to get through the day and do even simple tasks. It may be a good idea to arrange for a few days off work, and to ask for any help you need to support you until the initial pain and shock subsides.
Assess the damage
Plan your response carefully. After an earthquake, rescue workers take care not to cause any further damage or put anyone at risk. They assess the situation carefully; choose their priorities; work safely and calmly; and ask for any extra support they need. Although you may want to yell and shout and to let your partner just how appallingly they’ve behaved, and how your world has been crashed to pieces, this may cause even more damage to your relationship.
Don’t add to the disaster
Think about your future hopes for your relationship. Write these hopes down and keep them as your guideposts. If your goal is to keep your partner, and build a stronger relationship, then you can choose to respond in a way that will positively surprise your partner. This isn’t letting them off the hook. It can still be very helpful for you to tell them exactly how they’ve hurt you, but you can do so in a calm, controlled, honest and simple way (see ideas below). And you can also choose how to respond. Behaving in angry and attacking ways might encourage your partner to believe they’ll be much happier with the other person, after all! Whereas behaving in ways that your partner finds attractive and inviting can help them to decide that they really want to be with you.
Talking to your partner about your pain
Some people find it helpful to write down what they want to say, and then read it aloud to their partner This helps them to stay calm and in control so that their anger doesn’t cause further damage to their relationship. A helpful letter or conversation might include some of the following sentences and themes:
- I am committed to staying with you if you want to stay with me.
- But I feel sad because…
- I feel hurt because…
- I feel angry because…
- I feel betrayed because…
- I am afraid that…
- I would like to learn how I can build a closer relationship with you.
- Some goals I have for our relationships are…
- What would you like from our relationship?
- Some things I would like from our relationship are…
- Some things you could do to help me rebuild trust in you are.
Disaster reporting?
Keep your long-term goals in mind. If you want to have a good relationship with your partner in the future, choose carefully who you will tell and what you will tell them. Well-meaning friends and relatives might encourage you to end the relationship, or take your side against your partner. Or your partner might be so ashamed and embarrassed by the things you’ve told other people that it’s easier to leave you and make a fresh start. Talk to someone you can trust and who will help you to think clearly about the best way forward.